“No.”
The word has so much power in it and yet, when you say ‘No’ to your child, the child ends up doing exactly what you said no to. This frustrates the parents to no end.
So why do kids end up doing what they are specifically told not to do? That’s the eternal question on every parent’s mind and yet the answer is right in front of us. It is not that the kids want to defy their parents, it is just that the word ‘no’ serves as a mystery for the child.
Therapist Daisy Vergara further explains this in simple terms. She asks parents to focus on the fact that kids are naturally curious; they are like explorers. So when we, as parents, say “no” to something, they tend to think of it as a challenge – ‘Why are they saying No to me? What’s in that/there that I can’t get to? Is there anything interesting, fun?’. Daisy explains that this curiosity leads them to doing the exact opposite of what they are being told.
So, what should parents do? Never say ‘No’? Well, that is not possible. However, it is possible to say ‘no’ without using the word itself. Let’s use a simple and common example where your daughter is asking you for jellybeans instead of eating her dinner properly. Here are some ways you can put your foot down without stomping with a ‘No’.
1. Give in with *conditions applied
Give your daughter the four jellybeans she has asked for and ask her to put them on the plate. Then go ahead and tell her that she can eat the jellybeans once her entire dinner is over until then, they will stay in the plate. Just the act of trusting her enough to give those jellybeans to her in advance will make her want to finish the dinner and get to those fast.
2. Say “Yes”
Wait, what? You read it right. When you agree to the demand, make sure you again add a ‘conditions apply’ clause. “Sure, you can definitely have jellybeans as soon as you finish your dinner”. This might result in a tantrum since kids want what they want, when they want but maintain your calm demeanor and get your child to focus on the positive i.e. you agreed.
3. Divert attention – Look at that bird!
According to Daisy Vergara, distraction almost always works with toddlers. A distraction is a method of discipline for toddlers that is similar to redirection. So, if your child wants to eat jellybeans before dinner, distract her with something completely different or engage your child in a different activity. Strike a long conversation and change the direction of the topic until those jellybeans are forgotten.
4. Make them choose
You could also give your kids choices. Give them limited choices, up to 2 choices. If it is, say, between two different candies or something along the lines of ‘You can have the jellybeans before dinner, and the sour patch after. But, you have to finish all your dinner ’ This works like magic.
5. Acknowledge and empathize
Acknowledge your child’s desire to eat jellybeans before dinner and empathize with your child by expressing how much you would’ve also liked to eat jellybeans before dinner but because of the rule to finish dinner first, you also won’t be able to. That way your child would feel understood and wouldn’t feel like s/he is the only one on whom rules are being enforced.
These are just some tricks and tips to saying ‘No’ in a different way. Write to us and tell us what some of the things are that you say or do instead of saying ‘No’.
This writeup is based on extensive conversations with mental health counselor Daisy Vergara and some research.
