by Sean Carvey, M.A., LMFT
A constant thing I find myself saying in session is that we live our best and most happiest versions of ourselves when we are living in the present. I think clients often get annoyed by this, though, because of how intangible a concept this seems to be despite how simple it may sound. What does it even mean to “live in the present,” I mean aren’t we always? Living in the present, to me, is most represented when I am feeling so immersed in a moment, so present and engaged that past hurts and future worries seem to fall away. Have you ever been so immersed in a conversation with a friend you don’t realize it’s three in the morning? Have you ever been so invested in a project that you’re passionate about that the world seems to fall away? Have you ever loved a song so much that you stand up and start dancing without even meaning to? Now, these are very specific examples that are generally less applicable for the daily grind, but they do represent an overarching feeling of freedom and release that can be hard to reach.
Obviously there are great lessons that can be taken from the past—it makes us who we are, it informs or decisions, it is the basis for our experiences. The danger comes, though, when we use the past no longer to inform, but to dwell. When past mistakes become no longer a guiding post for growth and for learning what to do better next time, but a source of shame, humiliation, and/or regret spiraling down to depression.
That being said it would be foolish not to look towards your future, and the need to establish goals and plan for difficulties. A similar trap occurs here, though, when that planning becomes all encompassing The “what if” spiral begins, and you get caught up in the never-ending trap of anxiety. So how do you find the balance? I’m going to be tacky and use a metaphor (one of the therapist’s favorite tricks). I like to think of my mindset as a bow of a ship (the front of it for non-nautical folks). When I’m at my most present, most in the moment I am directed forward, exactly the direction I want to be going. There are times, though, that I’m going to drift off to the left, maybe I start to get lost in memories of an embarrassing moment or in a difficult relationship. That’s okay, though, it’s part of captaining a boat (I think). Rather than get upset with myself about getting off course I’m going to slowly steer my thinking back to where I am and what I want to do by remembering that’s not the direction I want to be going right now.
Likewise I might veer to the right, have doubts about an upcoming event or concerns about a future goal. Again, the task at hand is remembering what is and is not helpful and slowly and non-judgmentally turn the wheel back to center. Do I really need to be thinking about this right now? Will it be helpful or am I letting my anxiety over-plan things? Is it taking me away from what I need to be doing right now or should I spend some time thinking about this? There are tools to help with this (if you’ve ever been to a therapist I’m sure you’ve heard the word “mindfulness” at least a dozen times). Roll your eyes (trust me, I sure do all the time) at that suggestion to take a long calming walk, to write in a journal, to try a guided meditation, etc. but there is a reason that those things have shown to work for most people. They steer you into the present moment and back into your body—directing the ship back on course. Remember that you’re always headed forward no matter.
Just check in with yourself every now and then to non-judgmentally (this is key) make sure that you’re going the direction you want. The human brain is imaginative, creative, and in my opinion beyond anything else stubborn. Try to work with it not against it to get to where you want to end up.
