By Daisy Surjo Vergara, M.S., LMHC, NCC, RPT
“Should I give my child stickers or candy for good behaviors?”
I often have parents asking me this question in child therapy, with some worry in their minds hoping they were not bribing their children with stickers or candies for good behaviors.
I usually ask them back — is it really bribing or are you in fact, motivating? Did you catch your child doing something good, and are you trying to motivate your child to do a behavior that is desirable? Most of the times parents answered “yes”.
In my opinion, it is not bribing when you are motivating your children with rewards for desirable behaviors. Set the focus on the positive behaviors that you want your children to continue to do.
Rewarding children for their good behaviors is not a bad thing.
As human beings, we instinctively want to be rewarded for something we have accomplished. Rewards motivate us, and a reward along with encouragement is even more crucial in achieving good behaviors in children.
For example, If Johnny showed that he is following instructions the first time his parents ask him to clean up his toys. Johnny’s parents would want to catch that behavior and reward him along with encouragements. For example, “Wow Johnny, I really like that you cleaned up your toys so quickly. I am proud of you for following instructions and I want to see that more often when you need to clean up your toys. Now, that you are done, you can have your snack.”
The problem with reward is when you use it too much and too often, it becomes invaluable and that sets up children to want to be rewarded for all behaviors even the behaviors that they should do regardless of getting rewarded, such as good manners. So, even though rewarding good behavior is alright, such rewards should be temporary as you want to build motivation that comes from within; this is called intrinsic motivation. So, when children grow up as adults, they already know how to motivate themselves.
Here are three ways to cultivate intrinsic motivation in children:
1. Involve them in rule making or chore assignments: When a child is involved in rule making or chore assignments, they are setting their own goals and taking steps to reach them. This way they can set realistic and achievable goals themselves. They are more likely to abide by such rules. It teaches them decision making skills, this will also show how their choices will impact if they succeed or fail. Also, it is important to discuss the consequences of the choices they make whether they succeed or fail.
2. Create an environment at home where you foster self- confidence and self- worth: When you foster self-confidence and self-worth in children, they believe in themselves and their abilities. This will in turn help them motivate themselves internally.
3. Acknowledge and encourage your child’s success: Be specific on which behavior you are acknowledging. Acknowledgement and encouragements build confidence and will intrinsically motivate children to do more of the specific behavior because of their own capabilities.
